From Mel: Friends, Megan is a gifted writer and a generous friend. Her words, thoughtfulness and intentionality add richly to my life. I cried hearing her story because of the beautiful gift she is, I hate that she's ever doubted it.
When I asked her why she was attracted to this project this is what she shared:
The idea of being known. the idea that telling my story can help free me, but it can help free others as well. when I'm free, I give others permission to be free. there's this idea out there that we are meant to know and be known - and not just known for our likes and dislikes -but for what we have experienced and how that has shaped us into who we are. what makes us tick. we're meant to go deep - 18 feet if you will [it's a construction thing that doesn't totally matter here] - that's how deep we're meant to dig, and how deep we're meant to be known. we all come from wildly different places, and I don't think it's on accident. life isn't happening to us...well, it is if we let it. but we are ridiculously in charge of our lives, and it's our responsibility to build something out of what we've been handed. it may seem like we've been dropped in a pile of shit, but we get to choose where we go from there. the possibilities are endless and we're the only ones that keep ourselves there. I speak to myself when I say that, too. I'm really good at staying stuck if I want to. I'd be killing the game if that was a major in college.
Most of my life I have felt like I must have been a fatal error - that I wasn’t meant to be here. that I didn’t matter. that I was God’s mistake. I felt like I was born trying to prove I could be someone. my parents divorced when I was pretty young. I never felt like a priority after that. I never really felt loved. that I probably wasn’t good enough if the two people who were supposed to care and love me the most were really just interested in what was going to make them feel good. I was never invited to be part of the family that was my father’s when I had to spend two days of the week there. the home I grew up in became very chaotic for a long time. I was all alone. you can’t understand why you’re neglected or why an adults anger or pain is being taken out on you. all you can do is survive. and it’s a really interesting thing as an adult to figure out how to walk out of that and into something new. how do you break the bondage of shame and fear and heartbreak when it’s all you’ve known? it takes time. often longer than I’d like. it takes vulnerability and letting people into your darkness. I made up my mind a long time ago to love others really well, but it’s been most difficult to learn how to allow others to love me in return.
I have felt misunderstood and silenced my whole life. but a couple years ago I read a book by Jamie Tworkowski called “if you feel too much” and it helped me realize that it’s ok to not be ok and that it’s ok to talk about those things. it helped me find my voice. it helped me realize that I have a voice and that it matters and it makes a difference. the lies i’ve believed are currently being replaced by what God says about me. lies are real. they are real and painful. you've got to fight them to the ground or they will spring up when you aren't looking. the work of fighting lies can be exhausting but so fruitful. fight to come out of the dark. fight to come out into the light. I may be in process of replacing lies with truth, but I can honestly say that what God says about me is loudest more often than not these days.
I hate that people make assumptions of others based on what they see on the outside. I've had that happen to me. I think that’s what keeps others from knowing who I am at my core. that any assumptions you could make about me based on how I look are almost all false. I’m a person worth knowing. I’m awesome. I don’t say that in a prideful or boastful kind of way. we are all unique and complex and have so much to offer each other and the world. there’s abuse in my past. there are huge mistakes I’ve made. I struggle with major depression and anxiety makes an appearance when I’m at my lowest. but I’m also a great friend. I have a heart for those who are hurting. I’m way more interested in people than I am in things. I’m a deep thinker. I love to travel. I’d rather live in the third world. I love a good hands on project. if I ever saw you hurt a kid, I would end you. that’s extreme maybe, but kids are so so important. they deserve to be heard. I want to build up and encourage people. I want to be the kind of person that people follow off the screen - that people see and think, “yeah, megan’s doing it right.” choosing to make assumptions of others keeps them at an arm’s distance. and thinking we know a person based on those assumptions is total bullshit. get to know people. invest your time and your heart into them.
it’s worth it.
this is it. this is my life. the up and downs and back-arounds. this is what being human really is. the joy of it. the thrill of it. the muck of it. i’m not above it. in fact, i’m in it. which is exactly where i’m meant to be. in it. all along.
Life has been so kind to humble me. I think humble people are happier people. they are more connected people. they have been knocked off their pedestals with, like, one of those giant American Gladiator mallet things, so now they are back on the ground, where they belong. but now, I can look people in the eyes. it’s better down here.
So, that doesn’t mean I live here. like, you and I keep getting up and working through things and moving forward. despite the mess, I've had some really amazing opportunities. and even so, I get to believe that things will still be really amazing. that, as my friend Mike says, my setbacks can be used as my superpowers. I have a unique voice, and I have the opportunity to really do something great with what i’ve been handed. and there will be times that i will forget these things, and I’ll need you to help me remember. I want to remember this for the rest of my life. I want to live out of this place.
My name is Megan and even though I’ve felt justified in feeling afraid and alone and forgotten many times, I’ve been asking God to replace my absolute fear with total peace. am I there yet?nope. but I’m heading in that direction.